TERMINATOR 4 DUTCH PAIN

He's Dutch,
He's quick!
Compared to him, you're shit!
Frank Beveorts! Frank Bevoerts!

Our very own Frank 'Dutch Hardcore' Bevoerts is riding high at the top of the rankings, with a 100% record.
How do you stop him?
Here are two methods:
1. Lure him into a factory that has large machine presses, and trick them into being flattened by them.
2. Lower him into hot molten steel vats and melt him down into the base metals and burn him alive.

There is a bounty of twenty pounds paid to the first person that beats him in full competetion.

CARRY ON DOCTOR!

Tonight in a land far, far away called Tooting, Karmarama played their first ever match inside a hospital. Yes. Inside. A. Hospital. I know, it still sounds ridiculous even read at half speed. But off to St. George's we went. We had no idea what we'd be up against - would we be playing doctors and nurses, ooh err missus, or would we be up against the patients, and having to lose to them to keep their spirits up. Literally anything could have happened, so we took the A-Team. And what did actually happen was very, very bad indeed - for the opposition...
Pre-match concerns were quite different from usual. With 'Super' Jesus George on the team-sheet, the burning question was how to prevent the medical scientists at the hospital from kidnapping him to carbon-date him like the Turin Shroud. The solution the team arrived at was was simple yet ingenious. Smuggle him into the venue in a giant keg of beer. Not only could he then avoid scientific detection, but he could also drink himself up to his optimum playing level of drunkenness, which for George is about 800 mg/l or about 10 times the drink-driving level. With Super Jesus George optimally inebriated what could possibly go wrong?
Very little as it turned out. The opposition had quite a decent record before the match with a couple of wins and a draw to their credit, and they looked to have some decent shots in the warm up. However they pretty soon realised the size of the mountain they would have to climb as George went out and absolutely battered their number one. With his forehand in absolutely tip top shape and balls being smashed to all corners of the room, his opponent (who was actually decent) was like a rabbit in the headlights and promptly surrendered in double quick time. At this point Braveheart and Dutch hardcore were heard muttering under their breath 'why didn't he do that in the match we lost 9-1'. hmmmm.
Next up Braveheart, recovering from his dodgy leg, he did a damn site better than Owen Hargreaves, and despite playing below par managed to use whatever weapons were working to win quite efficiently in 4 sets. At this point none other than the Tartan Terror himself turned up - skiving off from practice in Olympia to arrive just in time to watch the master at work as Dutch Hardcore with his solid gold bat took the table. But what's going on here. He's playing shit. Oh my God. He looks like he's playing in clogs, smoking a spliff and using a large slab of edam for a bat. Somewhat annoyingly, Dutch Hardcore playing shit and not breaking sweat is still better than anyone else in the league and he won at a canter. So much for the saying that laziness doesn't pay!
And so it went on, with Jesus playing like a God (see what I did there?), and Frank and Campbell doing what they had to to win comfortably, and we reached the doubles 9-0 up.
At this point we chose to play our secret weapon - the Tartan Terror, the Scourge of South London, the Wandsworth Warmongerer. But things did not go quite as planned. The opposition manager, who had sent three hapless victims into battle while directing the unfolding catastrophe like a modern day General Haig, pointed out that the league rules had now changed and we had to play 2 of the 3 players who had already played singles. So they got Frank and George. Oh dear. I don't think I need to describe what happened next.
So that was that. Another 10-0 against quite a decent team and the prize of promotion is gleaming brightly for the Karma Krew, who sped off into the night in search of suitable refreshment in their armoured limo, avoiding machine-gun toting South London locals like Jenson Button on a promise from his girlfriend.

Next week Finsbury 5, who are probably soiling themselves like 3 caganers at the thought of the beating they are about to receive from Dutch, Jesus and the Pigman.

Miscellaneous other things we learnt tonight.
+ They have Marks and Spencer's inside hospitals, but not pubs. Yet.
+ Karmarama now top yet another league table, with our average number of supporters per match having rocketed to 0.1666. Man United beware.
+ It is very hot and noisy playing Ping Pong inside a hospital squash court, but the view for spectators in the viewing gallery is very good.
+ Frank has very long arms when viewed from above.
+ Hospitals are massive. It is possible to spend over 15 minutes walking from one side of one, to the other.

IF YOU HAVE AN iPHONE4

I've seen Sherwin play and beat people with a tiny little baby bat. Well, he can smash you with these cool iphone covers as he phones your mum to tell her how shit you are!
Offered in traditional paddle colors of black, green, blue and red, the Ping Pong Protective Cover is now available for $29.95
right here: http://www.goincase.com/products/detail/CL59745

THE STEADY MARCH UP THE TABLE CONTINUES

When the culture of Holland meets the passion of Spain, something amazing happens!
It started off as a night shrouded in uncertainty - would our opponents be able to navigate their way across London during a tube strike? Conversations before the match had led Don Buonaguidi to suggest they'd struggle to navigate their way to the other side of a room, so it was a pleasant surprise to find them all there as we arrived.
The match began with the Nuriator, our Catalunyan Galactico, against Barry - the opposition number 1. Boasting of a 70% average in Division 2, he took to the table expecting to win. The game ebbed and flowed with some fantastic defence by the Nuriator. However her attacking game wasn't firing on all cylinders and she lost in 5 sets to a relieved opponent.
Braveheart next up, and a routine 4 set victory. With Dutch hardcore stuck on a tube it was the Nuriator next to the table. Bish! bash! bosh! A great victory in 3 quick sets and she's off the mark with her first league victory. Her poor victim then had to contend with Dutch Hardcore and his sholid-gold bat. Not a contest that will live long in the memory, as he was bludgeoned half to death. 'Taxi for Saeed!' bayed the audience.
Watching that Dutch Masterclass, oppo captain Barry visibly whitened. At this point he then started complaining that Frank was too good for our division and should be playing in internationals like Sherwin. He knew his proud 100% record in the league was gonna take a pounding. He didn't realise how quickly though! He was next up vs McKellar and after four sets of being out-served, out smashed, and out thought he had to sit back down a beaten man, with Braveheart dishing out a masterclass of aggressive attacking with a level of violence more often seen in Sauchiehall street on a Saturday night at pub closing time. A few more one-sided thrashings ensued before another trademark 5 set epic from Nuria ended in unfortunate defeat and we headed into the doubles 7-2 up.
Braveheart was unfortunately injured in his second match victory, and this prevented him playing in the doubles, meaning the Spanish-Dutch alliance took to the table. There was a frisson of tension as they took to the floor - would the simmering animosity from the World Cup final have dissipated sufficiently for them to concentrate on beating up the opponents rather than each other? In a word, yes. They played brilliantly, completely outclassing the now demoralised opponents who were left with nothing to look forward to apart from a 3 hour journey home to the back of beyond, courtesy of Mr Robert Crow. For all we know, they might still be on that tube.
So there we have it, another masterclass from the Karmarama Galacticos and an excellent 8-2 victory. That's 4 wins from 5, and we've still to play the crappiest teams in the division. We're looking good for promotion.

THE PIGMAN COMETH

As the great Julius Ceasar would have said had he been there: Venimus, Vidimus, Pingimus Pongimus, Vicimus.

Last night, in the Theatre of Tears, the Karma Krew uncovered new reserves of skill and determination to put a very strong opposition to the sword with maximum prejudice. Standard form in a Karmarama match report is to treat any vanquished opposition with utter contempt just to add insult to injury. Well this time GBH by the written word is not required. The word defeat doesn't even come close - it was devastation out there. Forget about alien vs predator, This was like 100 aliens and 100 predators bullying a 5 year old schoolboy. And not just any schoolboy. One with glasses, and a limp and with his hands tied behind his back. Yes, tonight ladies and gentlemen we put Monday night's unlucky defeat well and truly behind us. It was ten-nil. Ten to fckuing nil. Dix a zero, diez a cero, zehn bis null, de deu a zero. Old Man Leo, Desmond Douglas, inscrutable orientals of ISH - your boys took a hell of a beating. Yes, we whipped their butts!!! And not only that; tonight a new superhero was discovered on planet Karmarama. It was the night the pig became the man.

So, what actually happened, I hear you scream. Well the night began with a shock as it was discovered Old Man Leo wasn't playing. Argh! Three guaranteed wins down the Swanee. We kicked off regardless. Pigman against Flavia. She may be a pensioner but boy does she play well. After a match that see-sawed relentlessly, Justin came out on top 11-9 in the fifth with some fantastic controlled play. Game on! Next up McKellar, then Bervoets. No problems. Three nil up and cruising, and the oppo's third player still hasn't turned up. Looking good....

Next round of games were not so smooth. Pigman was looking dead and buried, but came from behind, and weathered a barrage of smashes to win his second match of the night. Braveheart McKellar struggled big time against Flavia's no-spin pimples game, but finally out on top with a nail-biting, wall-kicking final game that was a veritable feast of all-out chopping. No fancy serves or indeed any topspin required. Then Dutch Hardcore dished up some more dutch hardcore to make it six-nil.

At this point our minds were half way to the pub. Then the opposition star player, none other than Desmond Douglas himself, the scourge of Karmarama for many a year, and with the wingspan of an albatross, finally turned up. Pigman first up. Lamb to the slaughter. 3-11, 3-11. Oh dear! The beating we were all dreading, but expecting. Then something magical happened. "Shurprishingly,I shink hish vorhand might be shlightly shit" suggests Dutch Hardcore. Suddenly, Pigman is a man possesed by genius, and with a comeback matched only by Lazarus, wins the next three games with style; probing Douglas's weakness like that Nazi with a dentist drill on Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man. Jaws dropped. Thesaurus websites crashed under the weight of requests for alternative supelatives. Clocks probably stopped. Could we granny them? Braveheart vs Douglas next up. 3-1. Not easy, but not hard either. Then a Dutch materclass of the quality of Vermeer, Cruyff and Martin Lafeber. With oohs and aahs, and cries of "that's first division material" ringing out, Douglas was sent from the table a seriously beaten man.

Could he recover for the doubles? Don't be daft, you know the answer already. Braveheart and Dutch Hardcore were never remotely threatened and brought up the 10-0 in style.

Our heroes then retired to the pub, buying Pigman drinks all night until he could take no more (2 points of Peroni f.y.i.) to celebrate his coming of age as a Ping Pong superstar. Pigs might fly? Tonight, one surely did!

BAD KARMA

"Who are ya, who are ya?..."...was the chant emanating from the Karamrama band wagon as the top of the Central London 3rd division outfit arrived for a match-up against an ISH 6 team. 90 minutes later, they still had no idea who they were, but the Karma Crew knew that they were no longer top of the league as their unbeaten run came to a shuddering halt in a 9-1 battering.
The opposition were 3 old Chinese guys with unpronounceable names and impenetrable games. They looked so old and infirm, they could have learned to play in the school games room with chairman Mao. But it was the Karma boys and girls who were taking a Great Leap Backwards as the square paddled, pen grippers dished out the ping pong equivalent of water torture. Captain Super George got us on the board, but couldn't loosen up his forehand loop to bring his power game to bear on the old fellas. The Tartan Terror had the sort of night that makes you wonder why you're in a drafty hall, being humiliated and degraded. He got the sort of treatment that Max Mosely would have to pay a fortune for in certain West End establishments.  The only honour that was earned for the evening was from the our Catalan debutant, who put on a defiant and brave display. Going quickly 2-0 in the first match and looking outclassed, Nuria showed Nadal like grit to claw her way back to be serving at 9-9 in the fifth. Unfortunately nerves took hold and she was edged out. Similarly in her last game, she was staring at 2-1 down and 7-1 down and dragged herself back to 10-10 in the fifth, to once again succumb to the "yips". The ashen look on her face spoke volumes and only some pints of lager and warm words of comfort  from her team mates in the pub afterwards seem to bring the colour back to her cheeks. Nonetheless, she can be proud of her efforts. A great debut.

All clouds have a silver lining and the early finish gave us the opportunity to decamp next door to watch the first team. Now the first team don't get much of a word on this forum, because unlike the Seconds, their paddles can do the talking. On walking into the room, it was apparent that something was going down. Something of an altogether different nature. The smell of sweat and testosterone was prevalent and there was blood on the walls. This was ping pong violence. This was Fight Club with ping pong paddles. I have seen World Championships and Dirty Dozen steel cage matches in New York, and this was up there. Three young lads in Karma colours were having a paddle to the death with three unbelievably talented boys from ISH. The young Karma lads played like Gladiators and edged a match of epic quality 6-4. A "big up" to Helly for nurturing  and managing such a talented team. In an era when every media report tells us that kids are all wearing hoodies whilst shooting and stabbing each other, it was great to see 6 young lads assault each other armed with paddles and ping pong balls. Grudging handshakes were made and muttering of a return match revenge was heard. We should be selling front row tickets for that.

A mixed night for the West London ad agency.....another match this week gives us a chance to get the band wagon back on the road.

NEW FACES part 2

This is Andrew Woodhead. No it fucking isn't! Piss off, this is what he looked like when I played him!
He is the latest top notch ping pong Bastardo to join the ever growing band of paddle wielding Galacticos.
He joins up with Helly and the Sherwinator in the first team currently smashing faces in the first diivsion. He is really good and is going to be an absolute bastard to beat. Welcome.

NEW FACES part1

This Nuria Camprecios, our new Spanish GALACTICO recruit who glides effortlessly into the second team. She's played to a high standard in spain and joins the ranks of top internationals already representing Karamarama: Frank (Holland), Campbell and Mark (Scotland), Dave (Italy), Killer (India) and Pigman (Pigland). Welcome.

ONWARDS WE ROLL!

Come and have a go if you think you're good enough!

A wet Tuesday night in the less glamorous environs of the Old Kent Road,
saw the Karmarama boys on the road for their first away match of the
season, in a Central London 3rd Division clash with Irving 5 in the crypt
of the All Saints church.

The line-up was team captain for the night, Super George accompanied by The
Flying Dutchman and the Tartan Topspin Terror. The Irving outfit was an
motley crew that featured one of their regulars Dan Lines. After a brief
warm up, it became clear that Irving lads were using both a pimpled bat and
had a southpaw player in the ranks, which ruffled the usually pristine
feathers of the Karma crew.

Nonetheless, Captain George kicked off proceedings against the pimpled
blade of Lines. Now, as scholars of the game know, the pimpled bat is
supposed to confuse and daze the opposite player with its unpredictable
effect on the ball. Certainly, it left the team mates of super George dazed
and confused as he seemed to leave his usual offensive power game in the
gents' toilets and proceeded to play a defensive tippy tappy game of
powder-puff ping pong. After losing the first two monotonous games that
more resembled a game of chess, George turned to his team mates and summed
it up when he remarked, "I'm playing sh*t, aint I"? to which, he got a
blank riposte "yes George, you are". Such a tactical pep talk soon geed the
man up though as he rediscovered his power game and confidence to reel off
the next 3 games and get the lads off to a winning start.

Next up was the topspin Terror. With wise words of wisdom from the Pig Man
ringing loudly in his ears, the Tartan Terror was determined not to play
himself out before he played himself in. Up against a useful, if not
devastating player from the Irving side, he narrowly lost in 3 straight
games to 8, 8 & 7. Honour was established and there were minimal errors
flowing from his sometimes errant bat.

The 3rd game was the biggest mis-match since England faced Germany in the
World Cup as Karma's strongest player faced the weakest from the Irving
side. The Flying Dutchman warmed up his forehand loop and found his range
as he raced through 3 easy games.

In the second round Super George once again found himself behind and was
within a point of going 2 down, when he sneaked the second game in sudden
death from where he never looked back and ran out a 3-1 winner. Next up, a
seminal moment, the Topspin Terror was to pop his ping pong cherry and
record his first win in the Karma colours, although not without doing it
the hard way. After racing into a one game lead, he seemed to be (mentally
at least) already giving his victory speech. 3 minutes later he was 2-1
down and staring into what surely would be the ping pong equivalent of
purgatory. Nonetheless, after some wise counsel from the Flying Dutchman
about sticking to his forehand serve, the Terror raised his game to take it
to a fifth, where he ran out an easy winner 11-2 . The forehand smash that
clinched the match was accompanied by a primeval roar that was surely
enough to wake some of the permanent residents in the outside graveyard.
Certainly ghosts were exorcised and demons were vanquished. He'll be
sending the All Saints Church a bill.

From there on in, the match went according to plan. The Flying Dutchman's
forehand loop and backhand flick were too strong for Lines' pimples or
Irving's southpaw and he and Super George blasted their way through the
doubles in quick style.

"A successful night" toasted the Karama Crew in the back of their stretch
hummer as they headed through the cold damp streets of south East London on
their way back to the West End for a night on the tiles with Kelly Brook
and Kylie Minogue. As for Irving, one of their members was spotted through
the misted up windows of the limo forlornly waiting on the number 42, with
a copy of "Ping Pong with Pimples" peeping from his Addidas bag.

BADDA BING!!!!

A victory. 6-4. Come on!!

In fact it was a decent result for the Karmarama boys against a pretty good Finsbury outfit in the new improved Death Before Backspin Dungeon. In truth, it was over before it had even begun. The opposition had been preparing for a match in the old mini dungeon, so their carefully constructed gameplan was ripped to pieces when they arrived to behold the wonder of our new palacial playing area.

With Frank 'Dutch Hardcore' in the team how could we lose? Even if defeat was staring us in the face, a karate kick to the opponent's chest in the traditional Dutch stylie would have surely swung losing cause our way. Luckily none of that was required as Bervoets and McKellar got smoothly off to a winning start. But, what's this...Justin Pigman Gayner 9-0 down in his first game, and against a clown! Yes his opponent dressed like a clown, acted like a clown, but smashed the ball like some kind of demented maniac released from the asylum for the evening. Unfortunately, Justin felt we were using the wrong type of balls, the temperature was wrong, the opposition might be using some strange new kind of rubber, and his underpants were on the wrong way round!! All these contributed to a heavy 3-0 defeat for a demoralised Pigman.

A poor result for McKellar, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory followed. Might we lose this? Of course not. Another Bervoets master class put us back on track, McKellar then sent the clown back to the circus with the kind of a beating so severe he'll be having counselling for the rest of the year, and then Justin stepped up to the plate to redeem himself with an epic performance of guts, stamina and more cries of 'Come on Pigman' than you could shake a stick at. It was not to be though, with a fantastic match against their best player ending in 13-11 defeat in the fifth set.

Into the doubles, and Bervoets and McKellar needing to win for the match victory. Bish bash bosh, the job's a good 'un. Never in doubt. And all that remained was to sink a few pints, before heading off into the night.

Next up Irving 5. Will they be Irving 4 by another name (very good) or last season's Irving 5 team (completely rubbish). Stay tuned to find out.

FINAL CALL FOR REGISTRATIONS!

Any new players who are still not registered, just Nuria, Zteh and Woody, an eamil will arrive shortly to show you how to register with ETTA and then I can put your names down. Have a good weekend.

SEASON STARTS SOON!

First 6 league games as follows:

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 13TH AT HOME VERSUS FINSBURY 6.
TUESDAY OCTOBER 19TH AWAY VERSUS IRVING 5
WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 27TH AT HOME VERSUS ISH200 CLUB
WEDNESDAY 3RD NOVEMBER AT HOME VERSUS STEPNEY GREEN 4
MONDAY 8TH NOVEMBER AWAY TO ST GEORGE'S HOSPITAL
WEDNESDAY 17TH NOVEMBER AT HOME VERSUS FINSBURY 5.

PONGSTAR T-SHIRTS ON GENERAL RELEASE!!!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the wardrobe another PONG related t-shirt hits the shop!
It's fucking cool! Buy one, only £5 in the shop. NOW!!!!

NEW SHIRTS ARE IN!!!!

This years squad shirt is in. It's black and features a PANDA! I have no idea why, and I designed it. Registered squad members get it free, Karma staff pay £5 , and normal civilians get it for £15. IN THE SHOP NOW!!!!!

KARMA PING TWINNED WITH SPIN NYC

The Tartan Topspin Terror has just returned from a cultural visit to a snow swept NYC and has done his best to spread the Karma pong gospel to all and sundry.
The Karmarama ping pong word has spread and we have a new "signing": The great Wally Green, the New York underground's self styled "Tiger Woods of Ping Pong". Wally was stoked with his new shirt and promised to do the colours proud on the Pro-Tour.  Wally's a real character and is pretty famous on the pro-circuit, because, well there' not many black hip-hop rap stars on the tour!  Welcome to the team Wally!

REVENGE!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

SMALL PEOPLE ARE SCARY!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

WHERE CAN I GET 50K FROM?

This fucker rocks! Designed by artist Rirkrit Tiravanija for Cumulus Studios, this fully chrome ping pong table costs $50,000 and is only made in editions of 10. It is fully polished and reflective which may or may not affect your gameplay.

I WANT ONE. I NEED ONE. NOW!

How cool is this?
Very cool is the answer.
This is the release that went with the pics.

We no longer work solely in the office, play in the game room, or eat in the dining room. Work, live and play have morphed together. There is a need for furniture to continue being beautiful, but to have multiple functions, and better serve the behaviors of todays world.

Table&Tennis was an idea to merge beautiful design, with a conference / dining table and build it to the official specs of a ping pong table. It’s built so that it can transition simply and instantly between the different uses.

Big thanks to Hong Kong Procurements for building the table, Douglas Ljungkvist for taking these photos and James Cooper for housing the first table in his office at Saatchi and Saatchi.

THIS IS JUST PLAIN STUPID.

FRANCK LIKES THEM.

PING PONG BATS ARE SOOOOO 2009.

Check this shit out!
I watched this and immediately destroyed my old bat. Then i realised we have a game this week and i have no bat, so i have sellotaped the bits of broken bat to either side of my hand. It works. Sort of.