Tonight in a land far, far away called Tooting, Karmarama played their first ever match inside a hospital. Yes. Inside. A. Hospital. I know, it still sounds ridiculous even read at half speed. But off to St. George's we went. We had no idea what we'd be up against - would we be playing doctors and nurses, ooh err missus, or would we be up against the patients, and having to lose to them to keep their spirits up. Literally anything could have happened, so we took the A-Team. And what did actually happen was very, very bad indeed - for the opposition...
Pre-match concerns were quite different from usual. With 'Super' Jesus George on the team-sheet, the burning question was how to prevent the medical scientists at the hospital from kidnapping him to carbon-date him like the Turin Shroud. The solution the team arrived at was was simple yet ingenious. Smuggle him into the venue in a giant keg of beer. Not only could he then avoid scientific detection, but he could also drink himself up to his optimum playing level of drunkenness, which for George is about 800 mg/l or about 10 times the drink-driving level. With Super Jesus George optimally inebriated what could possibly go wrong?
Very little as it turned out. The opposition had quite a decent record before the match with a couple of wins and a draw to their credit, and they looked to have some decent shots in the warm up. However they pretty soon realised the size of the mountain they would have to climb as George went out and absolutely battered their number one. With his forehand in absolutely tip top shape and balls being smashed to all corners of the room, his opponent (who was actually decent) was like a rabbit in the headlights and promptly surrendered in double quick time. At this point Braveheart and Dutch hardcore were heard muttering under their breath 'why didn't he do that in the match we lost 9-1'. hmmmm.
Next up Braveheart, recovering from his dodgy leg, he did a damn site better than Owen Hargreaves, and despite playing below par managed to use whatever weapons were working to win quite efficiently in 4 sets. At this point none other than the Tartan Terror himself turned up - skiving off from practice in Olympia to arrive just in time to watch the master at work as Dutch Hardcore with his solid gold bat took the table. But what's going on here. He's playing shit. Oh my God. He looks like he's playing in clogs, smoking a spliff and using a large slab of edam for a bat. Somewhat annoyingly, Dutch Hardcore playing shit and not breaking sweat is still better than anyone else in the league and he won at a canter. So much for the saying that laziness doesn't pay!
And so it went on, with Jesus playing like a God (see what I did there?), and Frank and Campbell doing what they had to to win comfortably, and we reached the doubles 9-0 up.
At this point we chose to play our secret weapon - the Tartan Terror, the Scourge of South London, the Wandsworth Warmongerer. But things did not go quite as planned. The opposition manager, who had sent three hapless victims into battle while directing the unfolding catastrophe like a modern day General Haig, pointed out that the league rules had now changed and we had to play 2 of the 3 players who had already played singles. So they got Frank and George. Oh dear. I don't think I need to describe what happened next.
So that was that. Another 10-0 against quite a decent team and the prize of promotion is gleaming brightly for the Karma Krew, who sped off into the night in search of suitable refreshment in their armoured limo, avoiding machine-gun toting South London locals like Jenson Button on a promise from his girlfriend.
Next week Finsbury 5, who are probably soiling themselves like 3 caganers at the thought of the beating they are about to receive from Dutch, Jesus and the Pigman.
Miscellaneous other things we learnt tonight.
+ They have Marks and Spencer's inside hospitals, but not pubs. Yet.
+ Karmarama now top yet another league table, with our average number of supporters per match having rocketed to 0.1666. Man United beware.
+ It is very hot and noisy playing Ping Pong inside a hospital squash court, but the view for spectators in the viewing gallery is very good.
+ Frank has very long arms when viewed from above.
+ Hospitals are massive. It is possible to spend over 15 minutes walking from one side of one, to the other.
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